He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
