I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
