i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
