Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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