My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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