Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i need some magic done to my vagina
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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