I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
