i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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