If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I party with great urgency now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
