the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
