You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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