Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
