And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Randomize
