NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
