I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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