4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
