Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
