then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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