dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
