I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
