fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
