If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
