I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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