i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
