My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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