Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
