I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
