If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
