she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
