Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
