I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
