I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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