saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i drank out of a bidet.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize