I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
