WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
