pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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