Pappa wants mamma naked
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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