I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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