I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
