Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
