the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
zippers are such a cool invention
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize