I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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