OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
