Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
