Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If that was your dad, he is hot
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize