My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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