im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
