May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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