I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
