What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
