Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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