everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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