oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
