Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
