I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
