I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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