my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
