We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
