I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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