You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
