It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
