The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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