I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize